How low can you set the professional writer bar?

[File this under "I will never be considered a real writer by some people." and "Congrats! You still breathing--here is your ribbon."]

A couple of days ago, one of my online writing friends (who lives within fifty miles of me, but we have never actually met) mentioned the fact that she was appalled by how low an organization set the bar for being able to claim that you were a successful, professional indie (self-published) writer. For those who are curious, they set the bar at $250 lifetime earnings and at least one novel length work. Yes, $250 lifetime earnings, and a book with fifty thousand words.

I draw much the same conclusion that my friend did--I guess that anyone can call themselves a successful indie writer nowdays. And this is despite the fact that my bar for calling someone a successful professional writer is much lower than hers.

Now to understand my viewpoint, you need to remember two things. One, I have people in my life who would never consider me a successful writer, even if I was making fifty thousand a year as a writer...mainly because I do not write literature (in certain circles, hacks are never allowed to claim to be anything better than a hack, no matter how much money you make doing it). Two, I worked food service for twenty years, never making more than ten dollars an hour (the circle of people that insist that I am just a hack think that I should go back to flipping burgers and give up writing...because I will never write anything great or meaningful...see if you can spot my attitude problem about why I think that they are wrong). Therefore, I realize that I will never be a "real writer" or a "real journalist" or "a human being worthy of respect." But I also realize that sometimes hard work produces next to no money at all.

To clarify, I tend to use the following definitions:

Writer: You spend your time stringing sentences together to make some form of sense.

Professional: Someone actually gave you a damn check to do some work.

Self-Employed: You actually had to pay self-employment taxes last year, and you have to do again this year.

Working: You spend at least ten hours a week writing (or attempting to write) stuff that you earn income from.

Successful: You make at least as much writing per hour as you would flipping burgers for a living.

Self-supporting: You pay your bills solely though your writing.

Legacy/Traditional: You work with a publisher other than your family; Indie: You self-publish; Hybrid: You do both traditional and indie writing work. Technical and/or Ghost: You write for some company, and no one ever sees your name on the work. Journalist: You report and/or comment about the news.

By these definitions, I am a professional, self-employed working successful hybrid writer. I am still working on the self-supporting part. And I have been a technical and/or ghost writer, as well as a journalist. Again, it is the self-supporting part that is my lack and current problem.

In my case, I have been paid by magazines, a greeting card company, a student newspaper, a couple of businesses, for stuff that ended up in print. I have also been paid by several internet sites, including paid by the article and/or paid by the view sites. And then, there are my ebooks. By "Olympic" standards, I am a professional. And I became a professional in 1985, and was one during my entire burger-flipping career (aka I have "paid my dues").

The hourly range for what I have earned as a writer ranges from zero to thirty-two dollars plus an hour (the plus is because I am still collecting income from some projects in monthly and/or quarterly royalties or pay views). The stuff that I have earned zero dollars from are things that I wrote for free in the first place. Unlike some writers, I did not start my writing career writing stuff for a mere byline--my first submissions were for potential pay--and all my free work was done later because I believed in the causes that I was writing for (such as the Hearthstone newsletters and the recent Golden Dawn book).

Yes, I paid self-employment last year; I have to pay it this year; and I am projected to have to pay it every future year unless the internet and ebook outlets completely melt down and dry up.

As for the $250 threshold that the organization set up, well I qualify as soon as I hack out a novel length work. Why? Because last quarter, I made that much with just two of my short stories.

But that just means that I am a professional hack, doesn't it? So I get a ribbon for still breathing, but absolutely no respect for being able to write a well-crafted sentence. And that is the story of my life.

Apple iBookstore removed Bad Monkey from its stacks

Bad Monkey cannot be brought in the Apple iBookstore.

[File this post under: Mysteries about the business world I will never know or understand.]

As most of my regular readers know, I write a monthly column for the Hearthstone Community Church ("The OFM people") which I later collect into 99 cent ebooks. One of the collections (the 2011 articles) is called Bad Monkey.

Now, awhile back Bad Monkey was uploaded to Smashwords, and then it made its way though the distribution network. Including the Apple iBookstore. I know--I searched for it--it was available on Apple. Pity, I did not take a screenshot of this fact...

...because it has been removed from Apple.

We have all heard of the difficulties that erotica writers have with the iBookstore. H***, I have experienced them firsthand (under two of the pennames that I wrote erotica under). Now, I am experiencing the same crop of problems as an esoteric/Wicca/pagan writer.

And I will never know why my ebook was pulled from sale by Apple. One of the hazards with using Smashwords to upload my stuff is that I do not get to see the notices that Apple sends out when they remove stuff, or outright reject it. Why am I using Smashwords? Because I do not have an iDevice (yes, you need an Apple computer to upload to the iBookstore directly).

My paranoia says that this is the reason that it was pulled off of the iBookstore. 

But I have a paranoid theory. And it involves another about-to-be published book...also called Bad Monkey. I really hope that I am wrong because if my paranoid theory is right, then if a traditional and very popular writer decides to use a book title that is also being used by an independent (indie) writer, then the indie writer loses part of their stock. Apple would never actually do something like this, right?!

Oh well. Bad Monkey: The Collected 2011 Hearthstone Community Church Articles is still available on Kobo, Barnes and Noble, and Smashwords.

Made the top 500 on Yahoo Voices in April 2013

Yes, I took a screen shot of this because I was excited.  

And this is how I imagine that other people will feel about it.

So, I made the Top 500 in April 2013 on the Yahoo Contributor Network--for having a really big audience on Yahoo Voices (formerly Associated Content). What does this really mean? Probably nothing at all. Or that the audiences are really small. Or perhaps that my small payment for pageviews were in the top 500--in which case, it is just proof that even the best writers are starving artists--or not, depending on the clout level (levels nine and ten get paid more than clout level eight). Still I thought that I would say something because I do not remember the last time that I advertised my work on Yahoo Voices.

How often should you check your sales figures?

One of the things that I notice about a lot of writers is that they are obsessive with checking their sales figures reports. And the more often that the sales figures update, the more often they check their reports. Even reports that update only once a month are checked at least once a day. And those that update every hour are stared at constantly--or so it seems.

Now, don't let me let you think that I am innocent of this behavior. I am not. I can be quite obsessed with my sales figures.

But here is the deal--the obsession with your sales figures does nothing to actually budge your sales. That's right, starring at your sales figures does not actually change what the numbers say.

My opinion is that you should never check your sales figures more often than once a week unless you are doing something that is (hopefully) going to budge the amount of book sales that you are doing. In other words, promotions and advertising campaigns are the only times that you should ever look at your sales figures more than once a week.

What should you be doing instead of checking your sales figures? Well, writing new material, of course. After all, it is the activity that gives you the most bang for the buck as a writer. Or at least, in my neck of the woods, writing is the activity that gives me the best rate of return for my investment of time and energy.

So how did I come to this conclusion? Well, I learned it while being a food service manager. I watched managers who ran a sales report every ten minutes...and it accomplished nothing other than stressing them out. I learned that it did not matter how often I ran the report, my numbers were still going to look the same at the end of the day. Unless I was doing something productive that is (prep, talking to customers, etc.); and to be productive, I had to step away from the reports and get to work.

Been a little disgruntled and feeling troll blue

Disgruntled Turtle Monkey knows how I feel. 

I have been feeling a little disgruntled lately. And a little blue because one of the trolls in the parade has started to foam at the mouth again. Yes, I am not famous yet--but I already have troll parade of mean little haters to remind me that I am worth less than a bagful of stink bugs. I just wonder how they would react if I actually became wildly successful.

It wouldn't be so bad if the troll did not leap to conclusions. They have absolutely no idea of the local job market, nor do they have any idea what I am actually working on (the joys of working under numerous names--many which are secret). What they do know is that I am unfit to be a writer...because...lack of information...lack of nice thoughts...they are related to Little Ape...who knows what their actual problem is.

I just hope that what they think about me (worthless writer, etc.) helps them sleep at night. Because all it is doing on my end is reminding me that I live for pure spite--I had a really good art day last week, all because of their comments. Keep up the good work troll--keep telling people that I am worthless and mentally ill; it just makes me work harder to prove you wrong...or look for something crawly to throw at you.

And remember, dear troll, that the best way to annoy me is to tell everyone you know not to buy the pagan friendly children book series that I am helping to create--aka Turtle Monkey--in fact, line up your friends with picket signs and scream at the top of your lungs that I am a very evil man. After all, the whole point is to make sure that I never become more successful than you are; it is what you must accomplish--the complete and utter crushing of my little monkey dreams.

[Update: July 2013: Due to differences in sales expectations and business philosophy, in early July 2013, I ceased to be involved in the Turtle Monkey project.]

An Erotic Writer Achievement List (NSFW)

(NOT SAFE FOR WORK--more or less)

This is an erotic writer achievement checklist that I first saw on A. Vivian Vane's blog...which she got from the Darknest Fantasy Erotica Forum. Thought that I would fill it out and add a couple of items to the list...because I can; this is how the blogosphere works, after all. Of course, mine is pretty blank at this point...and I am not really sure if the second achievement here refers to just stuff I have published, or if it includes stuff that I sold to magazines (one way, I make the cut; the other way, I don't...yet). There are a couple of these that I am moving towards completing...because I just am. We will see where I am at an year from now.

[X]Cherry Popping – Publish First Story.
[?]Dirty Thirty – Publish 30 stories.
[ ]Filthy Fifty – Publish 50 stories.
[X]Minute Man – Write a full short in a day.
[ ]Feel the Carpal Tunnel – Write 10,000 words in a day.
[X]I Guess What I’m Saying is Bukakke – End a story with the protagonist drowning in it.
[ ]Out-earning the Day Job – Earn $100 in a day.
[ ]The 1% – Earn Five Digits of Income in a Month.
[ ]Your Author Rank Is Not a Video Game – Hit the Top 100 Amazon authors in any category
[ ]Did I Just Read a Story About Me? – Write a story about a real sexual experience you had and email a link of it to the other participant(s)
[ ]Well, At Least Someone Read It – Hit the Top 100 Erotica Free list
[ ]Well, At Least I’m Rich Now – Hit the Top 100 Erotica Paid List
[ ]King Nothing – Hit #1 on the Free erotica list.
[ ]Setting Feminism Back a Hundred Years – Publish a Breeding Story.
[ ] Fucking Freaks – Write a Monster/Tentacle story.
[ ]Full House…of Fucking – Publish a PI story with each hetero pairing. (Father/Daughter, Brother/Sister, Mother/Son)
[ ]Not Quite World Famous – You have at least 10 fans in your email list.
[X]Just Don’t Look – Went a whole day without checking your sales reports
[ ]The Moon My Pack Howls To is Green – Publish a Werewolf Story.
[ ] Just Call Me Alexandre – Publish one million words in a year.
[ ]Sticky Pages – Sell a paperback.
[ ]Aural Sex – Sell an audiobook.
[ ]Is There A Gif For How I’m Feeling? – Get at least one review on Goodreads.
[X]I Am Secretly An Important Man – Have more than one penname.
[ ]Hot Man-love Pays The Bills – Publish a Gay Male story.
[X] Twice in one night -- Quit writing erotica for an extended time period, just to resume writing it years later.
[X] No Lube! -- Lost a significant amount of money to the censoring policy of a sales outlet or payment service (aka "We have changed our policy and can no longer allow you to publish such smut.")
[ ]Honesty is the best policy -- Does your mom know what you write?
[ ] Love you long time -- Write a novel length erotic story.
[ ] Extended family -- Not only have you done the full house, you gone on to deal with the grandparents, first cousins, and all the aunts and uncles.

Children are already reading this?!

Censored to make the ex-partner feel happy and secure.

Learned today from my co-creator, J. M. Monkie, that school children are already reading this ebook. And yes, it surprised me--we haven't done our official launch yet. But it is all good. Heavens knows that I need the reassurance that we have an audience for this project.

Why do I need reassurance? Because I am the artist for this project.

Yes, that is right--I said that I am the artist.

Not the writer. But the artist.

Talk about expanding my horizons. I am deep in a zone that is untested waters for me.

Now, I have done artwork off and on for over thirty years. I even thought about going to art school (Colorado Institute of Art--nowdays, it is called The Art Institute of Colorado). Couldn't because I did not qualify for Federal student loans at the time (I did not have my GED yet). And I am glad that I didn't because it probably would have been a waste of money (nothing like an instructor at the Institute looking at your artwork and telling you to save your money because you can learn everything that you need to know on your own).

About a year and a half ago, when I retooled my business (went from focusing on the print market to focusing on the ebook market), I pulled out my drawing board. I needed some ebook covers, and I had no cash to buy any. So yes, I cobbled together a few covers for the erotica market.

(Yes, it is strange that an erotic writer is also the illustrator of a children book series. But trust me, I have heard stranger true stories.)

Then last year, I needed some Tarot pictures for another blog I write. So I did the pictures for that...ended up with monkeys in my Tarot cards. And that is how the writer of the Turtle Monkey series discovered my artwork, and decided that I was the perfect artist to do the illustrations.

She is confident that I can do the artwork; it is me that needs the reassurance.

So today is a red letter day for me--some school children are already enjoying the Turtle Monkey series. I guess that makes me a professional artist as well as a professional writer. (Hey, if I earn money doing it that makes me a professional--degree or no degree.)

[Shameless self-promotion: Meet Turtle Monkey, the first book in the Turtle Monkey series is available on Barnes and Noble.]

[Update: July 2013: Due to differences in sales expectations and business philosophy, in early July 2013, I ceased to be involved in the Turtle Monkey project.]