And the prize for today's worst sentence goes to the following unknown spammer:
"From the book of record, nominated countries like Ghana, Nigeria, London Including some Asia and European countries were short-listed as highest fraud rated countries. So therefore you have to report to our investigating Board to monitor all such activities suspected as fraud, scam, drug dealing and any other illegal activities."
Good for London for being a country; it is just too bad that you are a crime riddled society. As for the rest of the sentence, well, it just makes my editorial eyes bleed.
Showing posts with label spam. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spam. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Statements that scream Run Away!
Welcome to another round of me mocking my spam emails. Today, I recieved one with all my favorite "Run Away!" sentences in a single email---you know those sentences that indicate the very opposite of what the sentence says.
The email started off with the sentence: "THIS IS NOT A SALES, SOLICITATION OR SPAM." And yes, it was in all caps.
This sentence is soon followed with the statement, "My client's bank account with us has been frozen due to some diminutive investigation on my client." I am not sure what the word "diminutive" means, but I do understand what "investigation" means. I am sure that the is something dodgy going on here.
There are the usual statements of how rich the client is, and how they really need to transfer the funds into an account that only him and his client know of---aka my account. Then to prove their honesty, the email writer says that his client "is a very generous man with the fear of God in him." Obviously, this person does not know my theory about the religious being bigger crooks than the non-believers.
Then the email writer goes into the fact that the amount of money is so large that he intends to use four or five people to "conclude this transfer." How nice---you plan on ripping off several people. Furthermore he says, "For transparency I will fully outline the sharing pattern, we have agreed to give you a non-negotiable 10%, of the total money transferred and believe me, it is a lot of cash. Once the funds are in your account, we would then meet in a suitable place to discuss final disbursement according to the percentages indicated above." Hmmm, for some reason the more he claims honesty, the more I believe that he is a crook.
But here is the best sentence of them all---the one my father would have pointed out as the sure-fire giveaway that someone is trying to con you. "Honesty is the success of this business and trust is our watchword in this transaction." ROFL! Really?! Seriously?! C'mon, only a crook would say something like this.
Oh, just to point out something else fishy, when one wants to transfer funds that are being held up because of a legal investigation, and they say "I guarantee you that this transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law"---they are lying.
I would like to extend a big thanks to the email writer for providing me with something to blog about tonight. You are a credit to your profession---or is that demerit?
The email started off with the sentence: "THIS IS NOT A SALES, SOLICITATION OR SPAM." And yes, it was in all caps.
This sentence is soon followed with the statement, "My client's bank account with us has been frozen due to some diminutive investigation on my client." I am not sure what the word "diminutive" means, but I do understand what "investigation" means. I am sure that the is something dodgy going on here.
There are the usual statements of how rich the client is, and how they really need to transfer the funds into an account that only him and his client know of---aka my account. Then to prove their honesty, the email writer says that his client "is a very generous man with the fear of God in him." Obviously, this person does not know my theory about the religious being bigger crooks than the non-believers.
Then the email writer goes into the fact that the amount of money is so large that he intends to use four or five people to "conclude this transfer." How nice---you plan on ripping off several people. Furthermore he says, "For transparency I will fully outline the sharing pattern, we have agreed to give you a non-negotiable 10%, of the total money transferred and believe me, it is a lot of cash. Once the funds are in your account, we would then meet in a suitable place to discuss final disbursement according to the percentages indicated above." Hmmm, for some reason the more he claims honesty, the more I believe that he is a crook.
But here is the best sentence of them all---the one my father would have pointed out as the sure-fire giveaway that someone is trying to con you. "Honesty is the success of this business and trust is our watchword in this transaction." ROFL! Really?! Seriously?! C'mon, only a crook would say something like this.
Oh, just to point out something else fishy, when one wants to transfer funds that are being held up because of a legal investigation, and they say "I guarantee you that this transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law"---they are lying.
I would like to extend a big thanks to the email writer for providing me with something to blog about tonight. You are a credit to your profession---or is that demerit?
Thursday, November 3, 2011
It is time to consider reference books
Once again, it is time to mock my spam mail. This first gem of a sentence is supposely from Paypal:
A strange ip from a different location was recently login into your Paypal account and we have decided to limitate your account on our ongoing effort to protect your account and our relationship, we monitor your account for possible fraudulent activity.
Limitate? Is that actually a word? (Yes, I am too lazy to look for my dictionary.)
Here is another gem of a sentence from some crime commissioner:
Although he has being arrested and put to jail, now laid with Financial action task force custody in Paris de France.
Can we charge you with a crime for abusing our eyes with your murder of proper verb tenses? And I am not sure what the last part of the sentence is supposed to say, so I am guessing a charge of kidnapping sense of meaning is in order too.
Here is a gem from someone who needs a stylebook as well as a grammar lesson:
The agreement reached between the united state of America governments and Nigeria Government under Goodluck Ebere Jonathan,The President Federal republic of Nigeria agreed to release US$1.5M US dollars to you been part payment of your Inheritance / Contract Sum.
Once again, I would like to thank spammers, phishers, and cons for making my English sound so much better. Keep up the good work of abusing the English language for blood and profit.
A strange ip from a different location was recently login into your Paypal account and we have decided to limitate your account on our ongoing effort to protect your account and our relationship, we monitor your account for possible fraudulent activity.
Limitate? Is that actually a word? (Yes, I am too lazy to look for my dictionary.)
Here is another gem of a sentence from some crime commissioner:
Although he has being arrested and put to jail, now laid with Financial action task force custody in Paris de France.
Can we charge you with a crime for abusing our eyes with your murder of proper verb tenses? And I am not sure what the last part of the sentence is supposed to say, so I am guessing a charge of kidnapping sense of meaning is in order too.
Here is a gem from someone who needs a stylebook as well as a grammar lesson:
The agreement reached between the united state of America governments and Nigeria Government under Goodluck Ebere Jonathan,The President Federal republic of Nigeria agreed to release US$1.5M US dollars to you been part payment of your Inheritance / Contract Sum.
Once again, I would like to thank spammers, phishers, and cons for making my English sound so much better. Keep up the good work of abusing the English language for blood and profit.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Am I as kind as my spam filter?
Ok, I presume that the following method of writing is merely a way to try to fool my spam filter.
"I am prayerfully lett1ng all to you hop1ng that you w1ll respond pos1t1vely and wont betray my trust too."
I just recieved an entire email written this way. By the way, it did not fool my spam filter. Nice try, but no can do. And even if it did get past my spam filter, I would have deleted based on the writing style alone (not to mention the content).
Gee, I guess that I am meaner than my spam filter.
"I am prayerfully lett1ng all to you hop1ng that you w1ll respond pos1t1vely and wont betray my trust too."
I just recieved an entire email written this way. By the way, it did not fool my spam filter. Nice try, but no can do. And even if it did get past my spam filter, I would have deleted based on the writing style alone (not to mention the content).
Gee, I guess that I am meaner than my spam filter.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Business advice from Winning the email lottery
I won the email freelotto lottery. Or so, I have been told...
...with about fifty emails.
Yes, it is a phishing campaign.
But it does remind me of some important internet business advice:
If you are going to use an automated email program, make sure that it does not send multiple emails to the same email address. And if you have multiple email mailing lists, figure out how to sync the lists.
Why?
Because if someone recieves the exact same email from a single or multiple senders, they are more likely to treat it as spam, even if their spam filters do not catch it.
And there you go, my winning prize in the email freelotto lottery, a crappy bit of internet business advice. Ain't you glad that I shared the winnings with you?
...with about fifty emails.
Yes, it is a phishing campaign.
But it does remind me of some important internet business advice:
If you are going to use an automated email program, make sure that it does not send multiple emails to the same email address. And if you have multiple email mailing lists, figure out how to sync the lists.
Why?
Because if someone recieves the exact same email from a single or multiple senders, they are more likely to treat it as spam, even if their spam filters do not catch it.
And there you go, my winning prize in the email freelotto lottery, a crappy bit of internet business advice. Ain't you glad that I shared the winnings with you?
Friday, September 9, 2011
What information do identity thieves want?
Looking through my spam mail folder today, I found a perfect example to illustrate the type of information that identity thieves want to get from you, the type of information that allows someone to steal your identity.
The email is supposely from PayPal, citing a claim that the email address of my PayPal account has been changed causing my PayPal account to be temporary suspended, and that I need to give them certain information to restore my account.
The information that they, identity thieves---not PayPal, is asking for is:
My Full Name
My Address
My Mother's Maiden Name
My Date of Birth
My Social Security Number
One of my Credit or Debit Card Account Numbers, along with the issuing banks' name, the expiration date, the Card Security Code (CSC---the little number on the back that proves that you have the physical card), and my PIN (Personal Identification Number) for that card
By the way, some of this information, PayPal didn't even ask for when I opened my account. And if they did ask for it, I would be very alarmed---hint, never give anyone your PIN or Passwords that belongs to another account.
With this type of information, a identity thief can steal your identity, they can also instantly withdraw all your money from one of your accounts or use all the credit on one of your cards.
It is a scary world out there people, so be careful who you give this type of personal information to.
The email is supposely from PayPal, citing a claim that the email address of my PayPal account has been changed causing my PayPal account to be temporary suspended, and that I need to give them certain information to restore my account.
The information that they, identity thieves---not PayPal, is asking for is:
My Full Name
My Address
My Mother's Maiden Name
My Date of Birth
My Social Security Number
One of my Credit or Debit Card Account Numbers, along with the issuing banks' name, the expiration date, the Card Security Code (CSC---the little number on the back that proves that you have the physical card), and my PIN (Personal Identification Number) for that card
By the way, some of this information, PayPal didn't even ask for when I opened my account. And if they did ask for it, I would be very alarmed---hint, never give anyone your PIN or Passwords that belongs to another account.
With this type of information, a identity thief can steal your identity, they can also instantly withdraw all your money from one of your accounts or use all the credit on one of your cards.
It is a scary world out there people, so be careful who you give this type of personal information to.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I am a bad Twitter follower
One of the things that you are told about Twitter by those "who know how to use it properly for business purposes" is that you are supposed to follow everyone that follows you on Twitter.
I am a bad Twitter user. I follow most, but not all, of my Twitter followers. This may be because I am more prone to looking for story and article ideas, along with a few mintutes of entertainment than trying to run a business from Twitter.
Instead of giving you a list of the type of people I follow, it would be easier to tell you who (what) I won't follow on Twitter---tweets in languages and characters that I do not understand (Chinese and Russian mainly), machine-driven spam tweeters, and people who are going to tell me (loudly) that my religion is wrong.
The one I can look at and see that it is in a language I do not speak or read. I do follow some French and Spanish tweeters (I was surprised to learn that I could read some tweets in Spanish). The other is based on fair guess---if you sending out articles links detailing Christmas gift ideas in July, I am guessing that you are actually a machine. The last is typically loud Christian Republicans who openly state that all Wiccans (Witches) and Democrats should be burnt at the stake---you can hardly miss spotting them as they try to set you on fire.
I will admit that I do have a few people that I follow who fall into these categories. For instance, I do follow a few tweeters who use robots to tweet, but occasionally they (the real human being) comes along and posts something that looks personal. But most robots I ignore. The other categories also have their special cases---entertain me and I will follow, no matter how dubious your personal habits or the related language difficulties are.
Now I will admit that I have some weird tweets coming up---I have an article up on Associated Content about listening to Christmas music in July. But the article is actually meant to be read in July (or December if you are into Christmas music).
Anyways, if you follow me on Twitter and I do not follow you in a 48 hour period---this is probably why---you are a Pagan burning and bashing Christian spamming robot.
As always if you have discovered an useful reason for following everyone, even people you do not understand, please feel free to leave a comment. Remember it may take me up to 48 hours to get back to the computer and approve comments, and that I send spam and flames directly to the round pixel file.
I am a bad Twitter user. I follow most, but not all, of my Twitter followers. This may be because I am more prone to looking for story and article ideas, along with a few mintutes of entertainment than trying to run a business from Twitter.
Instead of giving you a list of the type of people I follow, it would be easier to tell you who (what) I won't follow on Twitter---tweets in languages and characters that I do not understand (Chinese and Russian mainly), machine-driven spam tweeters, and people who are going to tell me (loudly) that my religion is wrong.
The one I can look at and see that it is in a language I do not speak or read. I do follow some French and Spanish tweeters (I was surprised to learn that I could read some tweets in Spanish). The other is based on fair guess---if you sending out articles links detailing Christmas gift ideas in July, I am guessing that you are actually a machine. The last is typically loud Christian Republicans who openly state that all Wiccans (Witches) and Democrats should be burnt at the stake---you can hardly miss spotting them as they try to set you on fire.
I will admit that I do have a few people that I follow who fall into these categories. For instance, I do follow a few tweeters who use robots to tweet, but occasionally they (the real human being) comes along and posts something that looks personal. But most robots I ignore. The other categories also have their special cases---entertain me and I will follow, no matter how dubious your personal habits or the related language difficulties are.
Now I will admit that I have some weird tweets coming up---I have an article up on Associated Content about listening to Christmas music in July. But the article is actually meant to be read in July (or December if you are into Christmas music).
Anyways, if you follow me on Twitter and I do not follow you in a 48 hour period---this is probably why---you are a Pagan burning and bashing Christian spamming robot.
As always if you have discovered an useful reason for following everyone, even people you do not understand, please feel free to leave a comment. Remember it may take me up to 48 hours to get back to the computer and approve comments, and that I send spam and flames directly to the round pixel file.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Let me show you my weiner
No, it is not time to mock Representative Weiner, who is doing a good enourgh job of that on all his own this week. No, it is time once again to mock my spam, those junk emails that make me go Huh?! Today's winner was an email that said that I could see photographic proof that a certain male enhancement treatment actually worked. Ok, I suppose if I was in the market for such things, perhaps that would be something that I would be interested in. But...and it is a big but...I do not want to see the mutant member that was attached to the name of the sender...which just happened to be a woman's name. I am not reprinting the name, just in case it is a real woman, who decided to actually take this medicine and now has photographic proof of the size increase. Nor was I willing to click on the link to see the proof. The very thought of a enhancement treatment that effective scares me.
Monday, May 30, 2011
A short mock of my spam
Here is a pieceless piece of spam:
Hello
My name is Mis norna toure please i will like you get bark to me in My Email
Yours
Mis Norna
Hello
My name is Mis norna toure please i will like you get bark to me in My Email
Yours
Mis Norna
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Form letter junk mail
A new rash of form letter junk emails have hit my spam box.
All of them have the subject line: Re. (fill in the blank)
And the text says:
Ahahahaha looks like we share the same opinion (fill in the blank).
Check my profile at:
Some dating site referral link
See what else we have in common ;)
You just have to laugh at the laziness of the people who send out this spam. Does the company send their spammers a form letter to fill out? I am thinking yes because the only difference between the letters is (fill in the blank) and the sender (and the referral number, of course). C'mon spammers, create your own letter if you are going to spam me; your job is to entertain me, not make me think that I am watching TV reruns.
All of them have the subject line: Re. (fill in the blank)
And the text says:
Ahahahaha looks like we share the same opinion (fill in the blank).
Check my profile at:
Some dating site referral link
See what else we have in common ;)
You just have to laugh at the laziness of the people who send out this spam. Does the company send their spammers a form letter to fill out? I am thinking yes because the only difference between the letters is (fill in the blank) and the sender (and the referral number, of course). C'mon spammers, create your own letter if you are going to spam me; your job is to entertain me, not make me think that I am watching TV reruns.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Mocking the spam 2
I presume that any email written this badly must be coming from a spammer or phisher.
Dear Account Owner
This is email from Windows Live Hotmail and we are sending it to you account user for your safety. Due to the anonymous registration of our account which is causing congestion to our service so we are shutting down some account and your account was among those to be deleted,so the purpose of this email is for you to verify that you are the owner of this account and you are still using it by filling the information below after clicking on the reply button:
* Username: ---------------------------
* Password: ---------------------------
* Date of Birth: -----------------------
* Country Or Territory: ----------
After following the instructions in the sheet, your account will not be interrupted and will continue as normal. Thanks for your attention to this request. We apologize for any inconveniences.
Dear Account Owner
This is email from Windows Live Hotmail and we are sending it to you account user for your safety. Due to the anonymous registration of our account which is causing congestion to our service so we are shutting down some account and your account was among those to be deleted,so the purpose of this email is for you to verify that you are the owner of this account and you are still using it by filling the information below after clicking on the reply button:
* Username: ---------------------------
* Password: ---------------------------
* Date of Birth: -----------------------
* Country Or Territory: ----------
After following the instructions in the sheet, your account will not be interrupted and will continue as normal. Thanks for your attention to this request. We apologize for any inconveniences.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Mocking the spam
Once again, it is time to mock the emails that I get in my spam (junk) mail.
Today's winner had the subject line: Hareyak.
And the text of the email: ungeduldig friseriez flagellantismens svpikb iuyjxl zprlwn
One of these words was hyperlinked; I did not click the link. Heck, I am not sure what any of these words even mean, though I am fairly sure that they are just semi-random letters.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Today's winner had the subject line: Hareyak.
And the text of the email: ungeduldig friseriez flagellantismens svpikb iuyjxl zprlwn
One of these words was hyperlinked; I did not click the link. Heck, I am not sure what any of these words even mean, though I am fairly sure that they are just semi-random letters.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Friday, October 8, 2010
For your kind attention
Once again, Morgan has the urge to mock his junk email.
I was going to ignore this junk email, a standard please consider relocating a large sum of money into your country story, clear up to the point where I got to this line:
Without a (heir) hence the money is floating and if I do not remit this money out urgently it will be forfeited for nothing and the big guns at the herms of administration at the bank will share this fund amongst themselves as it has been done if no trace of heir to such fund is found.
Huh? Why is "heir" in brackets? And how about a comma? Or perhaps a period or two? And is "herms" supposed to be "helm"?
Now, I will admit that I like the idea of "floating" money, though I imagine that it is not how I picture it. Heck, if I could float money the way I am picturing it, I would have a career in Vegas.
And if you think this person just accidently made those mistakes, consider "the France citizen" which is a term that they used in another sentence (a perfectly fine sentence outside of this term). I understand all French citizens consider themselves to be France, but I think that this might be carrying it a little far.
Hey spammer, thanks for your kind attention and giving me some sentences to mock.
I was going to ignore this junk email, a standard please consider relocating a large sum of money into your country story, clear up to the point where I got to this line:
Without a (heir) hence the money is floating and if I do not remit this money out urgently it will be forfeited for nothing and the big guns at the herms of administration at the bank will share this fund amongst themselves as it has been done if no trace of heir to such fund is found.
Huh? Why is "heir" in brackets? And how about a comma? Or perhaps a period or two? And is "herms" supposed to be "helm"?
Now, I will admit that I like the idea of "floating" money, though I imagine that it is not how I picture it. Heck, if I could float money the way I am picturing it, I would have a career in Vegas.
And if you think this person just accidently made those mistakes, consider "the France citizen" which is a term that they used in another sentence (a perfectly fine sentence outside of this term). I understand all French citizens consider themselves to be France, but I think that this might be carrying it a little far.
Hey spammer, thanks for your kind attention and giving me some sentences to mock.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Urgent FBI Winning Alert or Mocking the Spam
It is now time to play another round of Mocking the Spam.
Today, I recieved two emails, supposely from the FBI informing me that I had money owed to me. First off, I was under the impression that the FBI just seized funds and did not actually inform people about the loot. And second off, doesn't the FBI have an official government email address? Third, wouldn't they hotlink the FBI website, rather than print out the web address?
The first one says that I won eight hundred thousand for a Lottery Company outside of the United States. Hmmm, won't that be a problem for the CIA? And exactly what is an "Intelligence Monitoring Network System"? Is that Bubba and his dog perhaps? Didn't I see them outside of 7-11 yesterday?
Oh, it is my email address that has won. What exactly is an "Online Balloting System"? Does not sound like it has anything to do with a lottery...sounds more like the system where you elect politicans who have never done any actual campaigning (can I get elected to public office without paying my own entry fee and campaigning by sitting on my ever-widening ass?). After all, I am winning lotteries without paying tickets, and inheriting money from relatives that actually liked me (unlike my real relatives who are both poor and hateful).
And exactly who is the "Anti-Terrorist and Monetory Crimes Division"? Yes, they spelled it "monetory"; I could have swore that word was spelled differently. I wonder what over-priced spell checker the FBI uses (and is it the same company that sells toliet seats to the air force?).
Hmmm, do I look like a moron? An idiot? A fool? "We have verified the entire transaction to be Safe and 100% risk free, due to the fact that the funds have been deposited at the Bank of America." Shouldn't the Bank of America be talking to me instead? Oh, yeah, that is right...I keep getting emails from them about my account being suspended for security reasons. And if you think dealing with American banks is risk free, then you have not opened up a newspaper for, oh like the last hundred years or so.
Ahh, here is the catch: I am supposed to pay a "Deposit Fee's (Fee's paid by the company for the deposit into an American Bank)"---exactly how is this my problem? Shouldn't the company in question actually pay for this? Also I am supposed to pay a "Cashier's Check Conversion Fee (Fee for converting the Wire Transfer into a Certified Cashier's Check)"---again, exactly how is this my problem? And finally, I am supposed to pay a "Shipping Fee's (This is the charge to shipping the Cashier's Check to your home address"---ok, priority mail and insurance can be brought at the Post Office, and I have paid for postage due items at the Post Office before.
Grand total for all this: $350.
At this point, all my friends are laughing out loud because they know that I am currently working hard to earn two hundred dollars, so that I can pay for the advance registeration fee at the University. Even if this was real, I would not be able to get this much money together.
Alas, the funds have already been deposited despite the fact that all these fees should have came out of the prize money itself. You never seen the Colorado Lottery ask for money to process a prize. Oh yeah, this is right---they already collected their money when you brought your ticket. And the IRS is always there to get their cut. Seems to me that these overseas companies are in desperate need of proper management.
I am not sure who Peter Walter is, but he is not getting a Money Gram sent from Western Union from me. In fact, I would like him to show up at the bank in person. I am quite sure that if the Bank of America has eight hundred thousand dollars in their vault with my name on it that they will be more than happy to open up a checking account for me, right johnny on the spot. After all, they are a bank---they will want me to keep the money there.
And is there actually a Robert Mueller (the Third as other emails proclaim him)? Why is a FBI agent, especially a Special Agent, using an AOL email address?
Oh, here is some sweetner---"If you do not recieve your winning prize of $800,000.00 we shall be responsible for the loss and this shall invite a penalty of $3,000 will be made PAYABLE ONLY to you (The Winner)." Yeah, I trust the FBI to actually pay a penalty...in your dreams.
And why is it that you need my full contact information, including my name and occuption? Thoughout this email, I have been addressed as the "Beneficiary" and "The Winner"---could it be that you have no clue who I am? (For the record, I am Morgan the Mighty, He Who Opens Many Cat Food Cans.)
Onto the next email...this one is from Robert Mueller of the "Counter-terrorism Division and Cyber Crime Division." Exactly how many divisions does Robert Mueller report to?
"Records show that you are among one of the individuals and organizations who are yet to receive their overdue payment from overseas which includes those of Lottery/Gambling, Contract and Inheritance. Through our Fraud Monitory Unit we have also noticed that over the past you have been transacting with some imposters and fraudsters who have been impersonating the likes of Prof. Soludo of the Central Bank Of Nigeria, Mr. Patrick Aziza, Anderson, Wallace Fred, none officials of Oceanic Bank, Zenith Banks, Kelvin Young of HSBC, Smith Williams, Daniel Wilson, Ibrahim Sule, Dr. Philip Morgan, Dr. Usman Shamsuddeen and some imposters claiming to be The Federal Bureau of Investigation."
Gee, that is a laundry list of scoundrels. But I have not been "transacting" with them. Unless you count mocking their emails as "transacting." And exactly what is a "none official"?
Who are the "Internet Crime Complaint Center (ICCC)?" Or the "Internet Fraud Complaint Center (IFCC)"? Are they real? Or are you just making up governement agencies?
Ahh, some golden advice: "We hereby advise you to stop communication with any one not referred to you by us." And such good news: "We have negotiated with the Federal Ministry of Finance that your payment totaling $5.3 (Five million and three hundred thousand us dollars) will be released to you via a custom pin based ATM card with a maximum withdrawal limit of $3,000 (Three thousand us dollars) a day which is powered by Visa Card and can be used anywhere in the world were you see a Visa Card Logo on the Automatic Teller Machine (ATM)."
That almost sounded like a Citi VISA commerical.
And they promise that they have "perfected everything" and 100% risk free as "its our duty to protect the world." Wait a second...isn't the FBI supposed to be concerned with America, and leave the rest of the world to the duty of someone else (CIA, Interpol, etc.)? Gee, what is next? Protecting the citizens of Alpha Prime?
And what effect are you trying to go for in the following sentence? "This is as a result of the mandate from US Government to make sure all debts owed to citizens of American which includes Inheritance, Contract, Gambling/Lottery etc are been cleared for the betterment of the current economic status of the nation and its citizens as he has always believed Our Time for Change has come because Change can happen." Is anyone else waving an American flag at this point? Or is it only me?
And how much is the delivery of this sweet ATM card going to cost me? Just $260 paid to the ATM Card Center.
More names, probably fake people (one can hope). Another request for my name...gee, one would think that the FBI would have a file cabinet full of records with my name on them by now. And then we learn that Robert S. Mueller is the Director of the FBI. Cool, he got promoted.
The final line of this email is "Help stop cyber crime." Does that include my constant mocking of my spam emails?
Today, I recieved two emails, supposely from the FBI informing me that I had money owed to me. First off, I was under the impression that the FBI just seized funds and did not actually inform people about the loot. And second off, doesn't the FBI have an official government email address? Third, wouldn't they hotlink the FBI website, rather than print out the web address?
The first one says that I won eight hundred thousand for a Lottery Company outside of the United States. Hmmm, won't that be a problem for the CIA? And exactly what is an "Intelligence Monitoring Network System"? Is that Bubba and his dog perhaps? Didn't I see them outside of 7-11 yesterday?
Oh, it is my email address that has won. What exactly is an "Online Balloting System"? Does not sound like it has anything to do with a lottery...sounds more like the system where you elect politicans who have never done any actual campaigning (can I get elected to public office without paying my own entry fee and campaigning by sitting on my ever-widening ass?). After all, I am winning lotteries without paying tickets, and inheriting money from relatives that actually liked me (unlike my real relatives who are both poor and hateful).
And exactly who is the "Anti-Terrorist and Monetory Crimes Division"? Yes, they spelled it "monetory"; I could have swore that word was spelled differently. I wonder what over-priced spell checker the FBI uses (and is it the same company that sells toliet seats to the air force?).
Hmmm, do I look like a moron? An idiot? A fool? "We have verified the entire transaction to be Safe and 100% risk free, due to the fact that the funds have been deposited at the Bank of America." Shouldn't the Bank of America be talking to me instead? Oh, yeah, that is right...I keep getting emails from them about my account being suspended for security reasons. And if you think dealing with American banks is risk free, then you have not opened up a newspaper for, oh like the last hundred years or so.
Ahh, here is the catch: I am supposed to pay a "Deposit Fee's (Fee's paid by the company for the deposit into an American Bank)"---exactly how is this my problem? Shouldn't the company in question actually pay for this? Also I am supposed to pay a "Cashier's Check Conversion Fee (Fee for converting the Wire Transfer into a Certified Cashier's Check)"---again, exactly how is this my problem? And finally, I am supposed to pay a "Shipping Fee's (This is the charge to shipping the Cashier's Check to your home address"---ok, priority mail and insurance can be brought at the Post Office, and I have paid for postage due items at the Post Office before.
Grand total for all this: $350.
At this point, all my friends are laughing out loud because they know that I am currently working hard to earn two hundred dollars, so that I can pay for the advance registeration fee at the University. Even if this was real, I would not be able to get this much money together.
Alas, the funds have already been deposited despite the fact that all these fees should have came out of the prize money itself. You never seen the Colorado Lottery ask for money to process a prize. Oh yeah, this is right---they already collected their money when you brought your ticket. And the IRS is always there to get their cut. Seems to me that these overseas companies are in desperate need of proper management.
I am not sure who Peter Walter is, but he is not getting a Money Gram sent from Western Union from me. In fact, I would like him to show up at the bank in person. I am quite sure that if the Bank of America has eight hundred thousand dollars in their vault with my name on it that they will be more than happy to open up a checking account for me, right johnny on the spot. After all, they are a bank---they will want me to keep the money there.
And is there actually a Robert Mueller (the Third as other emails proclaim him)? Why is a FBI agent, especially a Special Agent, using an AOL email address?
Oh, here is some sweetner---"If you do not recieve your winning prize of $800,000.00 we shall be responsible for the loss and this shall invite a penalty of $3,000 will be made PAYABLE ONLY to you (The Winner)." Yeah, I trust the FBI to actually pay a penalty...in your dreams.
And why is it that you need my full contact information, including my name and occuption? Thoughout this email, I have been addressed as the "Beneficiary" and "The Winner"---could it be that you have no clue who I am? (For the record, I am Morgan the Mighty, He Who Opens Many Cat Food Cans.)
Onto the next email...this one is from Robert Mueller of the "Counter-terrorism Division and Cyber Crime Division." Exactly how many divisions does Robert Mueller report to?
"Records show that you are among one of the individuals and organizations who are yet to receive their overdue payment from overseas which includes those of Lottery/Gambling, Contract and Inheritance. Through our Fraud Monitory Unit we have also noticed that over the past you have been transacting with some imposters and fraudsters who have been impersonating the likes of Prof. Soludo of the Central Bank Of Nigeria, Mr. Patrick Aziza, Anderson, Wallace Fred, none officials of Oceanic Bank, Zenith Banks, Kelvin Young of HSBC, Smith Williams, Daniel Wilson, Ibrahim Sule, Dr. Philip Morgan, Dr. Usman Shamsuddeen and some imposters claiming to be The Federal Bureau of Investigation."
Gee, that is a laundry list of scoundrels. But I have not been "transacting" with them. Unless you count mocking their emails as "transacting." And exactly what is a "none official"?
Who are the "Internet Crime Complaint Center (ICCC)?" Or the "Internet Fraud Complaint Center (IFCC)"? Are they real? Or are you just making up governement agencies?
Ahh, some golden advice: "We hereby advise you to stop communication with any one not referred to you by us." And such good news: "We have negotiated with the Federal Ministry of Finance that your payment totaling $5.3 (Five million and three hundred thousand us dollars) will be released to you via a custom pin based ATM card with a maximum withdrawal limit of $3,000 (Three thousand us dollars) a day which is powered by Visa Card and can be used anywhere in the world were you see a Visa Card Logo on the Automatic Teller Machine (ATM)."
That almost sounded like a Citi VISA commerical.
And they promise that they have "perfected everything" and 100% risk free as "its our duty to protect the world." Wait a second...isn't the FBI supposed to be concerned with America, and leave the rest of the world to the duty of someone else (CIA, Interpol, etc.)? Gee, what is next? Protecting the citizens of Alpha Prime?
And what effect are you trying to go for in the following sentence? "This is as a result of the mandate from US Government to make sure all debts owed to citizens of American which includes Inheritance, Contract, Gambling/Lottery etc are been cleared for the betterment of the current economic status of the nation and its citizens as he has always believed Our Time for Change has come because Change can happen." Is anyone else waving an American flag at this point? Or is it only me?
And how much is the delivery of this sweet ATM card going to cost me? Just $260 paid to the ATM Card Center.
More names, probably fake people (one can hope). Another request for my name...gee, one would think that the FBI would have a file cabinet full of records with my name on them by now. And then we learn that Robert S. Mueller is the Director of the FBI. Cool, he got promoted.
The final line of this email is "Help stop cyber crime." Does that include my constant mocking of my spam emails?
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Finding babies for a living
Ok, I will admit that I have my slow days. An email just went into my junk mail folder with the title of "finding babies for a living." (Yes, it was all lower case.) And I couldn't figure out what it might be about...so I opened it.
Yes, that is right; it was about training to be an ultrasound technician.
Can I blame this brain fart on the fact that I just wrote a review about the service at the local KFC Taco Bell location?
Yes, that is right; it was about training to be an ultrasound technician.
Can I blame this brain fart on the fact that I just wrote a review about the service at the local KFC Taco Bell location?
Now my wife is showing me spam
As if I don't already seen enourgh spam ads on the internet, my wife is now getting involved. She saw an ad through Weather Bug about a kit that teaches people to make money by posting links on the internet. "Gee, I think that you can do this."
Yes, I could provided that I wanted to waste some time and money. Time because as the ad said (paraphrase), "The income cited is no promise that you will make a dime. These income figures represent the best earnings gained from this system, and do not represent the average user."
Money because I know how the spam works. The initial course is merely to hook you in. And yes, the course was cheap; it is like selling crack; they make their money by selling people additional information. I bet the only people actually making money with these systems are those who are selling the additional information at a hundred bucks a pop. And if you are desperate enourgh to earn money on the internet, you act just like a drug addict and hand them some of the little money you have left.
And personally, I do not want to be a spam pusher or spam dealer. Besides "posting links" sounds a lot like black hat SEO, doesn't it? I said no to the spam ad.
Yes, I could provided that I wanted to waste some time and money. Time because as the ad said (paraphrase), "The income cited is no promise that you will make a dime. These income figures represent the best earnings gained from this system, and do not represent the average user."
Money because I know how the spam works. The initial course is merely to hook you in. And yes, the course was cheap; it is like selling crack; they make their money by selling people additional information. I bet the only people actually making money with these systems are those who are selling the additional information at a hundred bucks a pop. And if you are desperate enourgh to earn money on the internet, you act just like a drug addict and hand them some of the little money you have left.
And personally, I do not want to be a spam pusher or spam dealer. Besides "posting links" sounds a lot like black hat SEO, doesn't it? I said no to the spam ad.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Mocking the junk mail
It is once again time to visit the Nigerian junk mail bag, and mock the unfortunate sentences that were sadly abused to bring me entertainment. This is their only function, as they fail miserably to convince me to play along with the scam.
The first sentence that must be mocked is:
I strongly believe that this mail must get at you by God's grace, as I do not know you in person and not quite sure of your current tel/fax number for me to be sure, but I know how i manage to get this mail address which I used to communicate you.
Ok, I am quite sure that the god of mischief is your god, and not the Christian god that you would like me to believe is your god. Say hello to Loki for me. As to knowing how you managed to get ahold of my email address, I sure hope that you know how you got a hold of it.
However, I am Sister. Cane Green and I am working with the Nations Apex Bank; accounting unit/telex department Central Bank of Nigeria.
Improper use of a period and a semi-colon. While I have a semi-colon fetish, just randomly replacing commas with semi-colons does not turn my crank.
My aim of writing is not to know you as i have no interest of knowing you and would not like to know you unless if needs be.
Hmmm, ok outside of a lack of capitalization and flow (try "it" instead of "if" next time), not a particularly mockable sentence.
But I am telling you this based on my believe as person who does not like evil or cheating and would not like to be called for explanation as a result of this information I am giving to you below and as a straight forward person, I believe that any man/woman is my brother/sister according to my believe irrespective of where you must have come from we are same human being.
Wow. I am not sure where to begin on this sentence. We have tense problems, a run-on sentence, and an overly-optimistic person.
Now as I am contacting you, payments are going on to those that are aware of this information because this information was not gazette to the public awareness.
Huh? What is "gazette"? What word should actually be used here? Does anyone have a guess? (Please post guesses in the comment section.)
These exercises have started for some time now but there are a lot of pranks some corrupt officials in the central bank of Nigeria has been doing and they diverted your funds to a bank in Switzerland.
Ok, first you need to learn the word FANBOYS (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) to remind yourself when you need to put a comma into your sentence; second you mistake me for someone who actually has money. Third, "pranks"? Hint, a prank is something a college student does, normally involving a bucket of cold watery oatmeal, or photoshop. I am quite sure that you need to use a different word; I am just not sure what word would work best. And I think that "exercises" is also a questionable choice. (Once again, guesses go in the comment section.)
And this concludes another session of let's mock the junk mail.
The first sentence that must be mocked is:
I strongly believe that this mail must get at you by God's grace, as I do not know you in person and not quite sure of your current tel/fax number for me to be sure, but I know how i manage to get this mail address which I used to communicate you.
Ok, I am quite sure that the god of mischief is your god, and not the Christian god that you would like me to believe is your god. Say hello to Loki for me. As to knowing how you managed to get ahold of my email address, I sure hope that you know how you got a hold of it.
However, I am Sister. Cane Green and I am working with the Nations Apex Bank; accounting unit/telex department Central Bank of Nigeria.
Improper use of a period and a semi-colon. While I have a semi-colon fetish, just randomly replacing commas with semi-colons does not turn my crank.
My aim of writing is not to know you as i have no interest of knowing you and would not like to know you unless if needs be.
Hmmm, ok outside of a lack of capitalization and flow (try "it" instead of "if" next time), not a particularly mockable sentence.
But I am telling you this based on my believe as person who does not like evil or cheating and would not like to be called for explanation as a result of this information I am giving to you below and as a straight forward person, I believe that any man/woman is my brother/sister according to my believe irrespective of where you must have come from we are same human being.
Wow. I am not sure where to begin on this sentence. We have tense problems, a run-on sentence, and an overly-optimistic person.
Now as I am contacting you, payments are going on to those that are aware of this information because this information was not gazette to the public awareness.
Huh? What is "gazette"? What word should actually be used here? Does anyone have a guess? (Please post guesses in the comment section.)
These exercises have started for some time now but there are a lot of pranks some corrupt officials in the central bank of Nigeria has been doing and they diverted your funds to a bank in Switzerland.
Ok, first you need to learn the word FANBOYS (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) to remind yourself when you need to put a comma into your sentence; second you mistake me for someone who actually has money. Third, "pranks"? Hint, a prank is something a college student does, normally involving a bucket of cold watery oatmeal, or photoshop. I am quite sure that you need to use a different word; I am just not sure what word would work best. And I think that "exercises" is also a questionable choice. (Once again, guesses go in the comment section.)
And this concludes another session of let's mock the junk mail.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Occasionally
Occasionally, I wonder about some of the emails I get. The lastest one was entitled "Sometimes."
The message said, "My contempt responds in the wolf."
There was nothing else in the email. No picture. No advertisment. And no clue why it was sent to me.
I wonder what the sender meant to accomplish. Was it merely to make me wonder?
The message said, "My contempt responds in the wolf."
There was nothing else in the email. No picture. No advertisment. And no clue why it was sent to me.
I wonder what the sender meant to accomplish. Was it merely to make me wonder?
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Spam and scams
As a writer, I find myself wondering about the writing skills of other people quite often---as in how does anyone make a buck writing that?
Today, it was while I was going though my email. I was amazed how many generals, bankers and lost relatives I had in Nigera. All wanting me to be their secret partner. And a couple of them using the exact same text, just different senders names and different email addresses---everything else was exactly the same.
Oh really?! Do any of the scam artists (ok, maybe artists, most artists I know are more intelligent than this---open to suggestions for another label) actually make money copying and pasting these messages?
I can't imagine that they do. But obvivously, I must be wrong considering that people keep sending them to me.
Oh really?! Do they think that I am suddenly going to suffer brain damage and believe them?
Here is a hint to all the spam and scam artists out there: show some creativity and write new copy. I am not going to fall for the new copy either, but it will help you develop a valuable skill---writing technical copy.
Oh really?! Yes, I do believe that writing is a more valuable skill than ripping people off.
Maybe I am gulliable, after all.
Today, it was while I was going though my email. I was amazed how many generals, bankers and lost relatives I had in Nigera. All wanting me to be their secret partner. And a couple of them using the exact same text, just different senders names and different email addresses---everything else was exactly the same.
Oh really?! Do any of the scam artists (ok, maybe artists, most artists I know are more intelligent than this---open to suggestions for another label) actually make money copying and pasting these messages?
I can't imagine that they do. But obvivously, I must be wrong considering that people keep sending them to me.
Oh really?! Do they think that I am suddenly going to suffer brain damage and believe them?
Here is a hint to all the spam and scam artists out there: show some creativity and write new copy. I am not going to fall for the new copy either, but it will help you develop a valuable skill---writing technical copy.
Oh really?! Yes, I do believe that writing is a more valuable skill than ripping people off.
Maybe I am gulliable, after all.
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