Statements that scream Run Away!

Welcome to another round of me mocking my spam emails. Today, I recieved one with all my favorite "Run Away!" sentences in a single email---you know those sentences that indicate the very opposite of what the sentence says.

The email started off with the sentence: "THIS IS NOT A SALES, SOLICITATION OR SPAM." And yes, it was in all caps.

This sentence is soon followed with the statement, "My client's bank account with us has been frozen due to some diminutive investigation on my client." I am not sure what the word "diminutive" means, but I do understand what "investigation" means. I am sure that the is something dodgy going on here.

There are the usual statements of how rich the client is, and how they really need to transfer the funds into an account that only him and his client know of---aka my account. Then to prove their honesty, the email writer says that his client "is a very generous man with the fear of God in him." Obviously, this person does not know my theory about the religious being bigger crooks than the non-believers.

Then the email writer goes into the fact that the amount of money is so large that he intends to use four or five people to "conclude this transfer." How nice---you plan on ripping off several people. Furthermore he says, "For transparency I will fully outline the sharing pattern, we have agreed to give you a non-negotiable 10%, of the total money transferred and believe me, it is a lot of cash. Once the funds are in your account, we would then meet in a suitable place to discuss final disbursement according to the percentages indicated above." Hmmm, for some reason the more he claims honesty, the more I believe that he is a crook.

But here is the best sentence of them all---the one my father would have pointed out as the sure-fire giveaway that someone is trying to con you. "Honesty is the success of this business and trust is our watchword in this transaction." ROFL! Really?! Seriously?! C'mon, only a crook would say something like this.

Oh, just to point out something else fishy, when one wants to transfer funds that are being held up because of a legal investigation, and they say "I guarantee you that this transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law"---they are lying.

I would like to extend a big thanks to the email writer for providing me with something to blog about tonight. You are a credit to your profession---or is that demerit?