Author: Someone who has completed a piece of writing and has submitted it for public ridicule. A legitimate author publishes his work only on paper through the slavery system of a publishing house which requires a decade of effort on the author’s behalf for the privilege of attempting to sell a million copies in a three day period in order to be allowed to waste another decade of their life. All authors get paid a penny per copy sold. Successful authors are considered to be so by the virtue of luck; their claim of a decade plus of hard work is merely a cloak to hide the fact that they spent all their time watching television and eating bon-bons. Unsuccessful authors write in crayon and cannot even convince their mother to buy a copy of their book.
[All the Zealot's Dictionary definitions are available in a single ebook on Smashwords--just 99 cents. Remember if you buy it on Smashwords, you get access to all future expansions...because we know that new definitions are sure to happen simply because of human nature.]
Showing posts with label Zealots Dictionary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Zealots Dictionary. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Silly Definitions
Lately, I have been doing a lot of silly definitions. It is a writer's game: Take a word and define it in a humorous and witty manner. I was first introduced to this game when I was a kid. One of my favorite books were filled with puns and silly definitions.
Antifreeze: What your aunt does when you steal her blankets.
I thought it was terribly witty when I was a kid, and I still get a smile on my face whenever I think back on it. As an adult, I stumbled across a collection of definitions made up by Ambrose Bierce for his newspaper columns; the collection is referred to by the name The Devil's Dictionary.
CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
And I LOVE his definition of the Freemasons.
FREEMASONS, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among working artisans of London, has been joined sucessively by the dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all the generations of man in the hither side of Adam and is drumming up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious, Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the Egyptian Pyramids---always by a Freemason.
I will admit that it was the inspiration for my own humorous definition of Golden Dawn.
The reason that I started to write my own definitions down lately was that I recently read The Old Gringo by Carlos Fuentes in literature class. One of the characters in that novel is Ambrose Bierce, who disappeared at the time that the book is taking place. It reminded me of this game.
Most of my definitions are political in nature, and are ending up in my political blog that I recently started. I am not above commenting on things that I see happening. But that is just the side-purpose of creating them.
The primary purpose is to have fun and loosen up, so that writer's block does not set in. Odds are that I will be writing a lot more before summer is over because this summer I can't afford to have writing block set in. Writing is my profession, the way that I make a living, and it is not like I am going to win the lottery anytime in the near future.
Antifreeze: What your aunt does when you steal her blankets.
I thought it was terribly witty when I was a kid, and I still get a smile on my face whenever I think back on it. As an adult, I stumbled across a collection of definitions made up by Ambrose Bierce for his newspaper columns; the collection is referred to by the name The Devil's Dictionary.
CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
And I LOVE his definition of the Freemasons.
FREEMASONS, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among working artisans of London, has been joined sucessively by the dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all the generations of man in the hither side of Adam and is drumming up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious, Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the Egyptian Pyramids---always by a Freemason.
I will admit that it was the inspiration for my own humorous definition of Golden Dawn.
The reason that I started to write my own definitions down lately was that I recently read The Old Gringo by Carlos Fuentes in literature class. One of the characters in that novel is Ambrose Bierce, who disappeared at the time that the book is taking place. It reminded me of this game.
Most of my definitions are political in nature, and are ending up in my political blog that I recently started. I am not above commenting on things that I see happening. But that is just the side-purpose of creating them.
The primary purpose is to have fun and loosen up, so that writer's block does not set in. Odds are that I will be writing a lot more before summer is over because this summer I can't afford to have writing block set in. Writing is my profession, the way that I make a living, and it is not like I am going to win the lottery anytime in the near future.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Selected Definitions from the Zealot’s Dictionary
Television: A device for the education of the common masses though the use of commercials occasionally interrupted by a piece of false news or flawed entertainment.
American Idol: A popularity contest proving that everyone is a dawg, is cute and lovable, and can not carry a tune in a bucket.
Insurance: A wager paid for by the lucky to be awarded to the unlucky provided that a third party does not declare the misfortune an act of god.
American Idol: A popularity contest proving that everyone is a dawg, is cute and lovable, and can not carry a tune in a bucket.
Insurance: A wager paid for by the lucky to be awarded to the unlucky provided that a third party does not declare the misfortune an act of god.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
