Mocking the junk mail

It is once again time to visit the Nigerian junk mail bag, and mock the unfortunate sentences that were sadly abused to bring me entertainment. This is their only function, as they fail miserably to convince me to play along with the scam.

The first sentence that must be mocked is:

I strongly believe that this mail must get at you by God's grace, as I do not know you in person and not quite sure of your current tel/fax number for me to be sure, but I know how i manage to get this mail address which I used to communicate you.

Ok, I am quite sure that the god of mischief is your god, and not the Christian god that you would like me to believe is your god. Say hello to Loki for me. As to knowing how you managed to get ahold of my email address, I sure hope that you know how you got a hold of it.

However, I am Sister. Cane Green and I am working with the Nations Apex Bank; accounting unit/telex department Central Bank of Nigeria.

Improper use of a period and a semi-colon. While I have a semi-colon fetish, just randomly replacing commas with semi-colons does not turn my crank.

My aim of writing is not to know you as i have no interest of knowing you and would not like to know you unless if needs be.

Hmmm, ok outside of a lack of capitalization and flow (try "it" instead of "if" next time), not a particularly mockable sentence.

But I am telling you this based on my believe as person who does not like evil or cheating and would not like to be called for explanation as a result of this information I am giving to you below and as a straight forward person, I believe that any man/woman is my brother/sister according to my believe irrespective of where you must have come from we are same human being.

Wow. I am not sure where to begin on this sentence. We have tense problems, a run-on sentence, and an overly-optimistic person.

Now as I am contacting you, payments are going on to those that are aware of this information because this information was not gazette to the public awareness.

Huh? What is "gazette"? What word should actually be used here? Does anyone have a guess? (Please post guesses in the comment section.)

These exercises have started for some time now but there are a lot of pranks some corrupt officials in the central bank of Nigeria has been doing and they diverted your funds to a bank in Switzerland.

Ok, first you need to learn the word FANBOYS (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) to remind yourself when you need to put a comma into your sentence; second you mistake me for someone who actually has money. Third, "pranks"? Hint, a prank is something a college student does, normally involving a bucket of cold watery oatmeal, or photoshop. I am quite sure that you need to use a different word; I am just not sure what word would work best. And I think that "exercises" is also a questionable choice. (Once again, guesses go in the comment section.)

And this concludes another session of let's mock the junk mail.